How Did I benefit from the Workshop ?
FORGING FRIENDSHIP
All the participants cherished the friendship developed over the 6 weeks as we encouraged one another to press on in our journey of parenting. I made many new friends and try to organize get-together sessions for more sharing thereon.
UNDERSTANDING OUR TEENAGERS
From the course, I learnt about the physical and psychological changes that take place in teenagers, and what made them tick. Teenagers also tend to have lower tolerance level for many things. Here is a quote from our course book which I find particularly helpful to me :-
“I think what’s behind the antagonism and the high levels of emotion when there’s conflict with teenagers is the sense of insecurity. The sense of “ I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know where I am going to end up”. And so the immediate issue becomes all important. Everything centres around this particular issue and because they seem so unsure of themselves, they are easily hurt. The slightest criticism becomes a huge issue. If Mum’s voicing some sort of questions regarding my ability to do something or whether I am going to be trustworthy, then their defences flare up and become incredibly defensive and angry and “how dare you !” and “I hate you” .. Simply because they don’t know themselves. And their defence system become as big as their insecurity. “
CREATING POSITIVE ATMOSPHERE AT HOME
I also learnt that atmosphere is important when we parent teenagers. I learnt how to create a warm, welcoming, safe and fun atmosphere in our homes so it is more conducive to discuss tricky issues with our teenagers. I also learnt many practical tips such as maintaining eye contact with our teenagers, not whining, shouting or comparing, picking the right time to say/do something, not using threats, and not using sweeping words like “you ALWAYS” or “you NEVER” . To internalize learning, videos of both “good” and “bad” parents and the atmospheres they created, were screened.
DOING CHORES
I learnt that getting our teenagers to help with the chores actually connect them to the home. We were given tips on how to get our children to start doing some chores and the type of chores we could have them do in families with domestic helpers. We also discussed what parents could do when children refuse to cooperate in this area.
TALK TRIGGERS
An interesting topic was Talk Triggers. These are conversation topics parents could use with their teenagers when the opportunity arose, eg, in the car, at the dinner table, etc. The following talk trigger topics were given during the course :
“If the house is on fire, and you are only allowed to take 3 things with you, which 3 things would you choose? “
“Would you rather have enormous ears or a squashed, flat nose?“
“What is the worst to fail at : a sport, a friendship or an exam?”
“If your best friend had bad breath, what would you do?”
PARENTING STYLES
Parents needed to move from desiring total control over our teenager, to being a coach to them, working towards being eventually a friend and a counselor. I learnt the different parenting styles : Sergeants, Jellyfish, Workaholic, and Backbone. I also learnt to identify the typical character traits children of such parents developed as a result of the parenting style. For example, Jellyfish parents are generally the rescuing “softees” who do not set limits or boundaries for their children, and they are always afraid of losing their kid’s attention. Such parents have a high chance of bringing up children who have no faith in themselves and who are easily influenced by peers
GET INTO YOUR TEEN’S WORLD
Parents were challenged with naming 20 songs and artistes that teenagers frequently listen to. Most parents could not name more than 5 of each. Parents should make an effort to know more about what their children are listening in to.
DISCIPLINE
I also learnt that the basis of good discipline is respect. When our teenager sensed that we respect them, it would call out noble attitudes and behaviours in them. We were told to expect (not demand) the best while giving them a high level of support. I learnt the “ V” of Love and how to use Contract, Consequences, Plan and Reconciliation to help our children in their journey towards self-discipline. I learnt why it was critical that when we administer the “consequence” to our children who cross over their boundaries, we did so without ANGER, for the reason that anger would mask the real issue and transfer our teenager’s attention to the wrong places. If anger was applied, the lesson was considered lost.
Siew Fay, child in Sec 1
Sept, 2009
The ABCDEF of Parenting
My wife and I attended the Six-session course on Parenting with Confidence – teenage module (13-19years) for parents of teenagers. Though the classes were conducted on Friday Evenings, we did not feel sleepy in any of the lesson as the topics discussed were very interesting and the class sharing was great.
We have learned the basic ABCDEF for parenting; a simple but yet very powerful concept.
- For A, which stands for “Atmosphere”, we learned the important of creating a welcoming, safe and fun atmosphere in our home.
- For B, which stands for “Boundaries”, we learned about the “V of Love” and the need to have Boundaries and Consequences.
- C stands for “Communication. No elaboration is needed on how important this is.
- For D, which stands for “Discipline, we acknowledged and agreed that Responsibility is Caught not Taught.
- E stands for “Esteem and Expectations”. Study result showed that young people who are loved and appreciated at home have high self-esteem.
- For F, “ Future Focus”, good parenting can make a difference and our teenagers can look forward with hope to the future.
It is never too late to start bonding with your child. We should start as early as possible and the best time is really now.
We enjoyed the course very much. Parents were given opportunities to share their parenting experiences and challenges that they faced in parenting their teenagers. It was also “ear-opening” to learn from the experienced trainers about what are in the minds of our teenage children; WOW!
Our facilitators, Gary and Jo are knowledgeable and experienced. They are well trained and equipped to conduct the course. We have benefited from their experience in working with teenagers during the class discussion and sharing sessions.
Last but not least, we like to express our sincere thanks to RPA, especially the course coordinator Siew Fay, for organising such a wonderful parenting course for us. The light refreshments prepared were also very helpful for people like us who had to rush to the night classes immediately after works. Thank you, Siew Fay.
Finally, we strongly recommend that RPA continues the good work and organises similar courses. We strongly encourage other parents to attend too.
Koh Tong Chia, child in Sec 1
Understanding the need for parents to be more effective in parenting teenagers, RPA organized the PARENTING WITH CONFIDENCE WORKSHOP which held its first session on 10 July 2009. 20 parents registered for the 6-session course, held every Friday evening through to 21 August. The course aimed at equipping parents with the necessary tools to build in their teenagers a strong sense of self, responsibility and resourcefulness. Essential topics covered were effective parenting styles, boundaries for better parenting, effectual communication, discipline, esteem, expectations, coping with siblings, dating and romance amongst teenagers, etc.
Lessons were mainly held at the Hodge Lodge. RPA is grateful to RI for the use of its facilities. RPA also arranged buffet dinners for participants as the sessions were held from 7.30 pm – 9.30 pm.